"There are two kinds of men who cheat; one – those who have questionable morals and a horn dog libido, the kind that lie and cheat incessantly to/on everyone, two – the nice guy trapped in a bad relationship, bound by obligation to stay"

Date Rape

Dear Hana,

When girls are raped they are affected in many ways, for me there seemed to be no reaction.

Last summer I had gotten past tipsy (but not drunk) at a party having a few drinks with this guy. He started to feel me up and touch on me but it was as if I couldn’t respond. When he started taking my clothes off I realized what he wanted, but it didn’t quite hit home that he wanted to have sex with me until I saw him pull down his pants. That’s when I started freaking out. I tried to get away but the alcohol slowed my reflexes. He pulled me back to him got on top and shoved it in. I tried to fight him, I was crying, kicking, and begging him to get off of me. He kept hushing me and acted like he couldn't hear what I was saying.

He finally got off of me; I threw on whatever clothes I could find and ran out. My best friend followed after me trying to figure out what was going on. While his friend went down to see what happened. The guy that forced me to have sex came to the room that I was at he told me that I came on to him and wanted to do it. I was convinced that he was right, I wasn’t sober yet and my mind couldn’t comprehend the whole situation. Even to this day I'm not really affected by the whole situation; it’s as if it never happened. Is there something wrong with me?

— IP06  

"when it comes to truly traumatic experiences especially those like yours in which you felt powerless and under someone else’s control, the brain often shuts and blocks out the (bad) memory to help you cope. You are in a state of ‘numb’ thus non-reactive. "  

Dear IP06,

There is nothing wrong with you. You feel as though ‘as if it never happened’ because of two reasons. First being inebriated you were out of clear sense of mind therefore there is no real memory attached to help you remember, also when it comes to truly traumatic experiences especially those like yours in which you felt powerless and under someone else’s control, the brain often shuts and blocks out the (bad) memory to help you cope. You are in a state of ‘numb’ thus non-reactive.

Sex with someone who is intoxicated is wrong; there are no ifs or buts about it. Lame claims like you came on to him are bogus; his futile attempt to convince you that nothing had gone wrong.

The simple points here are, you were tipsy, therefore not in conscious frame of mind, and you said ‘no’ that’s enough for any guy to respect your wishes, pack up his goods and head for the door. Instead this deplorable guy took advantage of the situation and ignored your resistance, the kicking, crying and pleas for him to get off.

Parties can often get out of hand and considering the fact that you only had just a few drinks but where unable to control your reflexes it is possible that aside from taking in a few drinks someone may have slipped something in you drink like Rohypnol a party drug most commonly referred to as the date rape drug.

To practice vigilance in parties please keep the following in mind:

a)     never leave your drink unattended

b)     never drink with strangers

c)     never accept drinks from strangers/people you don’t trust

d)     never attend parties alone

e)     attend with a close clique of friends and keep tabs on each other

f)      it’s a party, so avoid solidarity and stick with the crowd

g)     keep drinks to a minimum (never get drunk), steer clear of drugs and never drink on an empty stomach

Dear Hana, My Best friend lies and makes up stories like there's no tomorrow, I mean she even once told me she was in a GAP commercial, (and trust me she isn't model material), it doesn't matter how obvious her lies are, you can't point them out to her cause then she'll accuse you of being jealous. Playing along with her stories is driving me nuts....... — Bud blues Dear Bud Blues, Your friend is obviously insecure about her herself and that’s why she feels so compelled to make up stories (no matter how warped) only to make her life seem more interesting. Remind her that she's just as awesome with or without the Gap commercial. Help your friend boost her confidence by complementing her on the real things she does well and she'll begin to see that she doesn't need fake stories to be fun to hang out with. Dear Hana, My boyfriend and I slept together for the first time after about a year, he coaxed me into it, but was really sweet about it (not forceful) he even got a better paying job & said he wanted to spoil me more. But after it happened, it seems that’s all he ever wants to do. Is he losing interest in the rest of me, I mean we're still together? — Uninvited Dear Uninvited, Sometimes people want different things as a relationship progresses. You have to ask yourself what you want out of the relationship and that's it. You both seem to want different things and that's reason enough to break it of. Don't let the sweet talks sway you, 'sweet talks' are a key element in pursuing a relationship, they may be nice to hear (sometimes even true) but what YOU want is what matters most. Dear Hana, My parents got divorced when I was four years old. I am their only child and they’ve shared custody of me for about thirteen years. About five years ago my mom remarried, until recently we all lived in the same neighbourhood about three blocks apart. The problem is that I usually try to spend equal time with both of my parents but now my mom tells me that she’s moving across state (and wants me to come along) because my step dad’s new job. The thing is I am really close to both my parents and moving with my mom would mean I would only see dad on long holidays and not moving would mean I would only see mom once in awhile. Plus this is my senior year; all my friends are here and all in all this is a really bad time for me to move to a new place. I don’t want to hurt either of my parents and at the same time I would miss them both either way. I don’t know what to do. Help!!! —Clueless Dear clueless, Look at it this way your parents are going to miss you just as much but at the same time they’d want the best for you. Considering that you probably have SAT’s and college applications to think about and graduation, you are absolutely right, this really isn’t the best time to move across state. I am sure your mom will agree that staying put would be the best thing for you to do. It’s not like you’re choosing or taking sides, you only making the most pragmatic and logical choice. As for see your mom once in a while, well the distance can be made up for (at least a little) with phone calls and on-line chat. So prep up your web cam so that your mom can be there to help you pick out your prom dress! Just be sure to make an effort as far as keeping in touch and it’ll seem like she never left. LOVE/RELATIONSHIPS/DATING Dear Hana, Thank you in advance for your time. Here's a run down of the situation: my girlfriend has leukemia brought on by anemia caused by an iron deficiency, because she went through severe bouts of depression that lead to anorexia. Starving herself has also given her a weak heart. In short, I fear that she is about to die. Just recently we talked on the phone, and she confided in me that she wants to die because she's in chronic pain and is tired of it. It doesn't help that her mother physically and psychologically abused her, her father left her and she was raped by her step-father, until he died of cancer. I don't know what to do. I love her so much, and I think I've managed to talk her out of killing herself, for now, but it all seems so selfish. She's in so much pain, and I don't know what to do. I don't want her to hurt anymore, but if she goes on living, all she will ever feel is pain. Please, I've no where left to turn. I need help. I need some advice. Please. — Tired Dear Tired, First of all please allow me to apologize (profusely) for the exceptionally late response; it seems your mail had somehow gotten lost in the cyber realm, as though your letter is dated June 2nd I had only received it today. Technical flubs are unpredictable but fortunately rare; that aside I am earnestly at a remorse for not being able to be prompt nonetheless. I pray that your girlfriend is on the road to recovery, this is a very tough situation and the only real solution here is strength in spirit and the love you share. It’s never easy to see a loved one suffer, and there are never any apt words to cease the pain that only you can truly fathom, hence grasp the density of. Your girlfriend’s life has been a whirl wind of ‘disturbances’, it’s natural for her to lose hope and feel despair even to the point of giving up completely. However in all good moral and ethical conscious you must by all means help her find purpose in her life and reason for existing. Surround her in as much positive energy as possible, and since depression primarily results from loneliness, make sure she never feels as though she is in solitude. Furthermore regularly consult her doctor to work out a diet plan as well as all the necessary treatments for leukemia, keeping a close eye on improvements and consequent changes in therapy and medication. Unfortunately all this is more than likely to be incredibly strenuous and demanding on her both mentally and physically, hence it’s essential for you to help her seek stability and reason to keep fighting, to strike back and win the various turbulences that have dampened her spirit. It’s important for her to truly see how much she matters, after all the human heart beats vicariously well through passion for life and the people we love. Dear Hana I have a next door neighbor who i really like. He has been living beside me for about 5 years, and we have known each other for about 7. We are pretty good mates, and we joke around quite a bit in a friendly way. At school, he is 1 year older than me, and in the 7th form. He also hangs around with the 'popular crowd', whereas I’m an ‘everybody’ person – no enemies. For as long as I can remember, I have really liked him, and I really want to go out with him. I'm not sure if he likes me though, and I'm quite shy, so I don’t want to ask. What if he doesn’t?? I'd feel so shamed out. My friends think I should write a letter, telling him how I feel, but I don’t want him to think I’m stupid, writing a letter instead of telling him to his face. What should I do?? I've been thinking about it for a long time, but still haven’t come up with an answer. I don’t want to wreck our friendship but I would love it soooo much if he wanted to go out with me. Also, he is going off to university at the start of next year, so I might not have much time. Please please please help me. —Kathryn Dear Kathryn, Well writing a letter would just seem too formal and distant especially considering that the two of you have been friends for so long. Instead keeping with the existing friendly repertoire find additional time to spend together, in other words go out without having to clearly spell out – “WE ARE ON A DATE”. Play it by ear and let it all fall into place naturally without creating additional pressure by always looking for direct definitions or even answers to things. And though everything in life in varying degrees does in fact have meaning sometimes we spend entirely too much time digging for depth, when it’s staring right at us. So try not to over think the matter instead make the best of your time, and since you are feeling coy and aren’t sure if he shares your feelings, ask him out for coffee, a movie or something simple like that, and let the java or popcorn guide the way. And remember sometimes when it comes to potentially serious or black and white questions, often actions speak the truth and convey the answers better than words. Dear Hana, Please help. I'm so fed up with my boyfriend's family. The problem is, I'm African American and he is Chaldean (Arabic), and their community typically does not accept people of different races/cultures. My boyfriend and I have been together for about ten months, and we've become very close, very quickly. The relationship was going well despite the extreme disapproval from his family members. However, his parents and two of his siblings are still in another country, and it's mainly his responsibility to support them and have things ready for them. They should be here in the U.S. within two months. The closer it gets for them to come here, the more changes I notice in my boyfriend's behavior. At first, he could deal with the disapproval, but lately, he seems to be influenced by all their negative comments and rejection. I think he doesn't want to have these problems when his parents get here, and maybe I'm starting to seem "disposable". But I can't let my heart be broken like that. In November of 2003, I became pregnant, which was completely unplanned (I'm about 20 years old and a college student). Still, I wanted to keep my baby. But after I realized how terrible the situation would be with his family and their influence on him, I feared that I could not handle it emotionally and didn't want that to affect my baby. Sadly, I had abortion a month ago, even though I didn't want to and we did want our baby. After all that, I became so unstable inside, I quit school this year, and I don't have him around to give me much emotional support because he has to work all day to get a large amount of money ready for his family. I feel that this situation has been so unfair, and I didn't think he would begin to change his attitude toward our relationship. Overall, he isn't a bad person, but I have a feeling he's about to make some bad choices, and mostly because of the racism and pressure surrounding him. But honestly, it's just me that I'm worried about. How does a young girl handle something this? I know things would be so different if his family wasn't so close-minded, and I suspect their negativity is going to cause him to do the wrong thing, and completely break my heart. I don't know how to go up against a force like that, and I'm scared about the near future and the person my boyfriend is suddenly becoming. Help. Dear..., Unfortunately it's apparent that your once near perfect relationship has taken a rather dramatic and fatal dive down. Though initially the relationship went well, at this point it seems as though you're the only one making all the sacrifices while trying to accommodate problems and obstacles he is bringing into the relationship. Some occasional impediments may be natural on some levels in just about every relationship however working through those differences is something that needs to be taken into account by both of you. However as you've already noticed he is increasingly changing, unfortunately this distinct pattern makes it clear that the situation will only continue to worsen. Saying good-bye may seem like the hardest thing to do but unfortunately that's evidently the most prudent route for you. He has a whole other life accompanied by responsibilities, and what seems like a rather rigid upbringing. This might sound selfish and cruel but his family isn't your concern, especially since while your trying to appease things they're causing you nothing but agony with their ignorance. Though given the course of your relationship, your first institution and impulse may be to keep him from making bad choices. But in the process you're giving up entirely too much (getting hurt in the process) and not getting an equal return. Sometimes you just have to let people learn for themselves no matter how much you care for them. With that in mind it would be advisable for the two of you to go your separate ways and for you to get your life back on track. You don't need to put up with such narrow-mindedness, a healthy relationship is one in which you feel secure, happy, important, loved and by no means "disposable". As such save yourself the heartache and break it off before you're in too deep, as it is he isn't around for emotional support (a relationship should never be that lonely) in spite of the fact you've been through some pretty tough issues. You need to refocus your energy on yourself, get involved in community activities take a recreational class like dancing, a short trip to visit a relative or friend, croon along with your favorite CD or whatever else that makes you happy. Meet new people and recharge your inner zest. Make a point to pamper yourself and concentrate on your personal goals. Dear Hana, I am almost 13 and I want to spend more time with my mom. Her mom wasn’t a very good mother, and if you ask me she is a great mother compared to her. After work she is really worn out and stressed, so after she makes dinner she kind of wants to sit down and relax, and we don’t end up spending allot of time together. On the weekends it is also her time to relax, but even though we are close enough to talk candidly I want to know my mom more. Do you have any ideas? Dear ………, For starters it's great that you and your mom have an open line of communication, but since she is so busy it's understandable that she needs time to relax, so the best way for the two of you to spend time together would be to relax together. Take a relaxing walk along the beach together, or get relaxing facials, manicures, pedicures at the local salon, whatever it is just try to work in time spent together. Dear Hana, There is this one girl who I have truly fell in love with. I don't know if she's giving me little signals, or if she just wants to be a friend. At a table with all of our friends, she gave me a kiss on the cheek before she left and no one else. Yesterday, we went to walk to the lobby of a hotel and she put her arm around mine. I don't want to make a fool out of myself, by finding out that she just thinks of us as friends. Another thing that's pressuring me is that yesterday, I heard a guy was trying to hit on her. I didn't want to ask if she likes him or not, and/or she was letting him hit on her. Can you please e-mail me back as soon as possible with some advise? –MGUSA12345 MGUSA12345 Let time provide you with the answers you are seeking, in other words let the friendship take its course and by all means avoid prying. Spend time together as you have been doing and before long you will realize where the friendship is heading. Dear Hana, I'm just not happy. I don't know why. I'm not happy with myself. I think I am fat when I know I'm not. I am 5'1 and weigh 85lbs. I'm 16years old. My boyfriend is always telling me that I'm beautiful and that I shouldn't listen to my father. I don't know if he understands how hard it is to just "ignore" my dad. He pounds into my head that I'm worthless. I mean nothing to him, and on and on it goes. I used to have an eating disorder. I still kinda do. I used to have a cutting(Self-mutilation) problem. I'm thinking about starting up on SI'ing again. It's going to be harder though because of working and everything to hide it. I don't want to go to my mom and I'm too scared of my dad. I'm afraid to even tell them that I sprained my ankle so I walked on it until my Color guard instructor yelled at me for working out on it and he called my parents.......I get yelled at if I complain about pain.....I get yelled at if I don't. I'm 2nd oldest out of 8kids. The oldest is 17..my brother...we are 11months and 2weeks apart.......the youngest will be 5July 21. How can I be happy? – Lonely Brittany Dear Lonely Brittany, To begin with work on your level of self confidence, take a good look at your self and reflect on everything that makes you wonderful. and remember that anyone who disagrees is simply missing out on getting to know who you are, in other words it's their loss. Concentrate on the things you enjoy doing and are good at, get involved in activities that are fun and fulfilling, and though it's hard to ignore pestering unsupportive people, concentrate YOU.

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